Gendercide #3
Welcome to the first of two very special issues of Gendercide. In issues #3 and #4 I've asked a couple of friends to write about "chemical warfare" as it relates to their transitions. In this issue Ashley Altadonna talks about her experiences with HRT, the chemicals she takes and the effects it has on her to make her the woman she is. Stay tuned for Gendercide #4 when we get a glimpse at chemical warfare from an FTM perspective.
-Milo
As I sat in the waiting room, it struck me that it had been years since I had actually been to a doctor's office. It seemed as a child, I was always seeing a doctor or dentist, or even therapist of some sort. Now as I patiently waited for my named to be called, those memories came flooding back to me. It was a strange sort of a relief from the anxiety and nervousness I had been feeling about my decision to start hormone replacement therapy.
Before I even walked into the clinic where I was meeting with an endocrinologist, I had already been seeing a therapist for about 3 months. According to the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's (HBIGDA) Standards of Care, I had to undergo testing and examination by a licensed psychiatrist. Aside a little discomfort from having to divulge sexual activities I'd long been ashamed of and silent about, this wasn't too bad.
The most interesting moment of my examination came in the form of a 300 question multiple-choice test. The only purpose for this test, as far as I could tell, was to determine whether or not I was clinically insane since some of the questions were, "Do you believe in Superman?" or "Do you ever hear voices?" Having my sanity and gender dysphoria confirmed, I was approved for hormones by my therapist.
My name was called and I met my endocrinologist. She seemed nice, and we got right down to business. She asked me what I wanted to get out of HRT. At that point I simply wanted to see if taking estrogen would ease the depression and frustration I felt over being born into the wrong sort of body. I was very cautious about taking hormones and didn't want to overdo it. My doctor suggested we start out on a low dose of Spironalactone and Premarin.
Spironalactone is an anti-androgen. It basically shuts off the testosterone that body produces. Premarin is a synthetic version of pregnant mare urine, which is supposed to be super high in estrogen. PREgant MARe uRINe gets you Premarin. Neat huh?! Anyways, after our exam was over I went to get my hormone levels checked. This was to establish a base and track my levels over time. I dropped my prescription off at pharmacy located in the hospital and went to go give a blood sample.
Freshly punctured and drained, I went to go pick up my prescription. I was stunned by the price, nearly $145! Thankfully, my health insurance later covered my prescriptions and brought the cost down to an affordable $10 per pill. I walked out of the pharmacy thinking, "Okay here goes nothing!" I took my first dose of female hormones and waited for them to take effect. The anticipation was much like Alice in Wonderland when she eats the cakes that say, "Eat Me!" and then shrinks.
Unlike Alice I didn't shrink (at least not yet) and I didn't feel any different. Several other trans-women I know told me of their experiences on hormones as being this wonderful high. Colors were supposed to seem brighter, sounds more beautiful, the world a more magical place. Another described it as a "pink haze that covered everything". I had no haze, nor brighter mystical world. I basically felt the same.
This anti-climactic reaction was largely do to the fact that A) hormones don't work overnight, and B) I was on such a low dosage that nothing was bound to happen anyways! After a month or two of feeling little to no results I went back to my doctor and upped my prescription.
Basically hormone replacement therapy (HRT), as it relates to transgendered persons, is mainly meant to supplant the hormones your body produces naturally with those of your intended gender. This in a sense is/was like going through puberty...AGAIN...this time in my mid-twenties!!! It affects you on a physical, mental, and emotional level.
Physically estrogen creates secondary sex characteristics typical to females including lighter/thinner body hair, the redistribution of body fat, a lessening of muscle-mass, a softening of skin and of course the development of breast tissue. The first thing I noticed was how much softer my appearance seemed in pictures. This was because my skin texture was changing. Another bonus was that hormones cleared up acne problems that had persisted since early adolescence. All those years of washing and scrubbing were needless after a few months on the pill!
Having my body hair thin and lighten also increased the feminizing of my appearance. Unfortunately, this did not include facial hair which I have had to remove repeatedly with expensive laser and electrolysis treatments. The redistribution of body fat took longer. Slowly but surely I noticed my stomach was losing the slight gut I once had, while my thighs and hips began to become more curvy and woman shaped. I also lost weight in my face. Losing muscle-mass was something that also took time, however I only notice this on the occasional instances where I need to use lots of body strength (lifting really heavy boxes or opening that damn jar of pickles!)
By far the most interesting physical change was the development of breasts. Since I started HRT before going fulltime as female I had to worry about what to do with an ever increasing bust size. This lead to a brief period of wearing baggy shirts to hide my fledgling boobs. This development of breasts was preceded by quite a few months of sharp pains and aches as the tissue began to form. Thankfully this went away, and I happily received a respectable B cup! Trans women usually have about a cup size smaller than their closest biological family member, in my case my mother. I also knew my Mom was truly supportive of me and my decision after she helped me go shopping for bras!
Other than the physical changes, hormones also had a dramatic effect on me mentally and emotionally. I was able to tap into my emotions more easily. As a guy I felt like I was in a semi-permanent state of indifference and numbness. Hormones seem to heighten my emotional highs and lows. This rollercoaster can be crazy at times, but I love that I am able to experience things more deeply emotionally.
A decreased sex drive is another effect of estrogen on the body. I was concerned that I wouldn't want to have sex after starting hormones, but honestly the desire is still very much there, only decreased. Sex is no longer constantly in the foreground of my thoughts. It allows me to focus on other things more intensely. I also worried that sex would be less enjoyable, but my new body has proved this to be far from the truth!
Hormones have unfortunately rendered me sterile at this point. This was one of the toughest aspects about choosing whether to start HRT, but the trade off of being able to be identified as my correct gender and be myself was something I saw as being more important.
These days my body and mind are mostly aligned. I often wonder how so many cissexual men and women can take their bodies for granted. It's a luxury that I have never been afforded. Everyday I am amazed at how much my body has responded to my treatment. I can look in the mirror and see the woman I have waited so long for staring back at me!
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